The Beginning...

January 11Th.
It's tricky getting back into the swing of things after Christmas. You'd think I would have done that by now, not quite.. Although the panic of my Qualifications and studies has certainly come back. But I still feel in hibernation mode, I really don't want to leave the house! For now anyway, I would be quite happy with sitting at home, getting on with my life without the interference of reality, or people. I seem to be part of a rather difficult pattern at the moment; it basically goes, scream about my life, get into a state of 'I hate my life, I want to quite everything, I can't do it, no no no no.' Generally I'll have a good fight with my mother, then we'll both go off and sulk. Later she'll say something like "I've had an idea" or "I've realised" Followed by some helpful like " just enjoy life" or "lets have a new plan" This is all great and I feel relieved and happy. Then I think about it and realise I should really be doing my studies, they're what are going to get me places. It all ends up going back to my state of "I hate my life" and so on.
I often think I'm wrong, I must be really. But why is it that everyone else is right and can deal with 'our' way of living which is: be academic, study hard, go to college, uni, good job, blah blah blah. But I don't seem to be very talented at academia, at all. Which is hard, I think. I'm sure I would love to be, to enjoy studying. But I just don't. I hate it!
I figure somewhere down the line I will click, and say: "I've got it! That's what I'm meant to be doing!" And everything will fall perfectly into place. It does seem that everyone around me has quite a nice life, everyone gets what they want, when they want. They know what they want to be, and they know how they're going to get all that. I don't.
Maybe I'll become famous, this was always a dream. That I would have a place in the eyes of others. That I would wake up everyday thinking 'wow, I'm HER' Or that maybe I would be a revolutionist. Maybe not..

Who knows what will happen? Well, I certainly hope someone does. Him.