Something about a horse

If you fall off a horse, you're meant to get straight back on. But how many times can you do that before you say, maybe I'm not meant to ride horses, maybe it's a sign. A sign to try something closer to the ground, time to start digging. 

It's not just that it's that time of the year, I know a lot of people reevaluate things in January and I often have but this year that's not the case. I can't help but look at the way my life is going because I feel it's passing without much meaning. I go to work, I come back from work, I sleep and start all over again. There are things inbetween that of course, people I see, places I go. For once in my life I'm not aiming. It used to be that everything I did was so I could get to something more. When I was in college I was aiming for university, when I got there I was aiming to graduate and start acting. But after I finished my course I struggled to keep my goals and I fell into working full time in a bar. And now I'm struggling to motivate myself out of bed every morning. It's like my whole life I was waiting for the day I woke up and said 'this is it, I can start living now', because I didn't realise that I already was. I've always lived in the waiting place and now it's caught up with me. I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't have a plan. I almost just expected my life to just fall into place and instead I fell. 

I don't know what comes next, I don't know what exactly I want to get out of life and even if I did I'm not sure exactly how to get it. 

New Years Day

Ok so it's not actually new years day, but aren't you supposed to have your head in a toilet for most of that day anyway?
I am only just acknowledging the new year today, and as I awake the sun is shining as if to signify a bright new beginning.
I thought about writing some new years resolutions but this is all I came up with:
- Go for a jog at least twice a week
- Be positive.
I suppose I must be quite perfect already if that's all I could come up with...
This time last year I set up a Youtube and a Flickr, I have yet to use either. I also have a Vimeo and a Tumblr again neither of which I use. But maybe this year it will be different, right?
I will buy a video camera at some point in time and start experimenting with film, that could be fun. And maybe I'll write some plays and start an exercise and healthy eating plan. Yes all this will happen pretty over night, I am a changed person.
You can't possibly stay the same when it's a whole new year.

Pain of Life

It's was November and cold outside. 20th. I left the house at quarter past two to get there for half past. My stomach hurts. I thought it was the cold at first but I think it's because i'm nervous. I could barely bring myself to leave the house. I don't know how it got like this. We all used to be so good together. But she said we messed it up. Me and Him.
I tripped. Can you believe it? it seems pathetic, just one little trip. I fell face first, smack to the hard, cold ground. The car had no chance of stopping. it was too late. Went right over me. I heard my ribs cracking, my hips, my thigh bones, Snapping erupted all the way down my spine. But I was ok. Better than ok. Because I knew i'd never have to feel that nervous again, or worried or anxicous. I'd never have to feel anything again.
It rushed over me. peace. It was an immense, overwhelming nothingness. I was more peaceful than i'd ever been. It was like i'd been in pain all along and I'd had no idea. The shackles of life had been released and I could feel no more. The pain of life had left me. And I had left life.

I suddenly felt grief for those i'd left to suffer. They would have to continue the trials of life as long as it would hold them. But now I was free. Free to rest in peace as they'd always said. Only now did I get it. Maybe if i'd have known that it would have been like this I would have chose it a while ago. Why do we spend so long trapped in suffering when we can have freedom?
A warm glolw surrounded me, embraced me, held me tight. Touch was only an image before this, now it was real. For the first time I felt, loved. Like love had never existed before. Like it was something we'd reached for and believed we had held of, but it was only the shadow we managed to grasp.
I was alone but not really. I'd been alone before, but now I was with.. Him.

The Most Content Day of My Life

The sun was beaming, hitting the ground and bouncing up to warm my face.
I remember wearing my dress with flowers on it.
I'd just come out of my three hour sociology exam.
My last exam.
Summer had began.
I was just content.
The future seemed bright and expansive.
So many possibilities, doors to walk through.
It had began.

You Can't Choose Your Roommate

...But you can choose what to watch at the cinema. However I seemed to have made quite a big mistake in choosing to go and watch The Roommate. I'd have to say the worse film i've ever had to endure. Frankly I resent paying to watch it, despite the fact that I got the two for one offer on Orange Wednesday. If there's anything to avoid this spring, I wouldn't worry about the "physco", best friend, roommate. I'd be more concerned about turning up to the cinema to find this being the only film showing, as was in my case.

My interest in the film lasted about as long as the plot summery and I'm sure I could sum that up as quickly as saying the physcho besfriend story. Sara Matthews moves to a big new city to start her freshman year at college. There she meets her new roommate, the sweet, artistic Rebecca Evans. The girls quickly become good friends and Rebecca starts to learn about Sara's life. Even from the beginning we get impression this Rebecca is a rather strange character and our surspicians are affirmed as Sara's other friend is attacked by Rebecca. Sara friends begin to disapear or distance themselves from her, due to Rebecca's violent actions.

The film lacked imagination and was extremely predicable, even with the little attention I was paying it. The characters appeared one dimensional and in no way interesting or relatable. If they had touched on more why Rebecca behaved the way she did, perhaps due to childhood incident, it would have created sympathy for the character and helped the audience to relate to her in some way or another. But frankly, we hated Rebecca, didn't know why she felt the need to go on a killing rampage and felt not so much as a ounce of sympathy for her.

Feel free to watch this film if you've been having trouble getting to sleep.
Even the 'action' scenes had me nodding off.

The 14th of Febuary

Ahh The day is looming ahead of us. Some dread it, some can't wait and some don't bother batting an eyelid. Some however feel that valentines day is purely commercial and people shouldn't need such a push to perform a caring act to ones partner. Which is my opinion until I get closer to the day and I see everyone else preparing and planning lovely presents for each other, and begin to think maybe I should be celebrating the fact that I'm lucky enough to even be in a relationship. Screw it! Bring on V. day!
But because I seem to leave it to the last minute (every year!)I don't have long to plan. I like to be adventurous and go with something original, something other than a card and chocolates. Definitely something you couldn't buy in a shop. And again a first valentines day creeps up on me and my boyfriend and I am stumped. I'm gonna need something bigger and better than ever. But for now I'll tell you about last years events.
As I mentioned I don't like to go with things you can pick up in any old cheesy card shop, how thoughtful is that anyway? No, I prefer something heartfelt, with at least a little effort involved. I was inspired by a friend who told me about how her boyfriend proposed to her. It was adorable and involved a treasure hunt (with him being the treasure sat in the wardrobe)'How do you get to Narnia?' being the last question in the trail. I liked the idea of some sort of trail/treasure hunt. So pretty much the night before I organised how everything would work, where he would start off from and how he'd know where to go from there. I also researched how the Japanese celebrate valentines day and made him a bento box, picnic for when he found me.
My best friend handed him a mysterious note that said 'You'll find the next clue in spare oom'(Narnia reference), after reading this he walked outside and saw the balloon attached to a lamppost and found the next clue. The witty clues lead him to the park entrance and there he found ten post it notes attached to various trees around the park - ten things I like about you - and the final clue that lead him to me and our bento box picnic, complete with home baked heart shaped biscuits. I was impressed with myself to say that least.
Later he took me to a little Italian restaurant to finish off our first valentines together. Little things like this make me smile,they're so personable and special. So am hoping for similar inspiration for this year. Let's see what I have up my sleeve.

Good luck Lovers! <3

Are We Always In Competition?

Competition is everywhere. It's even there for animals and plants. Competition for food and water, for space and habitat, and for mates. Competition is there for even the simplest of life forms.

So what are we humans, in competition for? Or at what age does competition become something we engage in?
Well, competition is introduced to us from a young age. We play games with our siblings, friends and family. And we are encouraged to be the winner in that game or at least try your best (to win!) Therefore it's understandable that competition stays with us and grows bigger as we become competitive over bigger things. Perhaps competition is what gives us drive, whether it's between ourselves or being better than others. So if the aim is to win the game. Define the game. Is it to have a boyfriend/girlfriend before your friends? to get better grades? to be prettier or thinner than others? Is it to have a bigger house than your sister? A more 'successful' marriage than your parents? Or having better behaved children than your friends? Perhaps it that we are driven by competition, in whatever form.
Jealousy comes along with competition. Even if we try as hard as we can we just can't seem to be as popular or as bright as others, it can drive us mad. We can become severely jealous of said persons. Whether we let it out or keep it deep inside of us, we may all be in some form of competition.
In the end perhaps the hardest form of competition is the one with yourself. Because even if you win, you still had to lose.